Showing posts from 2014

the deep.

I drown in the shallows
come alive in the deep

i'm forced to float up there
finding others so sweet

deep can be quiet
but much more to keep

gather your soul friend
for you'll need it to keep

Let it Sink Quietly.

You will remember the shape  of my footprints.
You'll take with you my sadness and crash it about.
Transformed into joy and frothiness,  let it sink quietly, bubbles in the sand.
Spread wide out to be baked  by the warmth of the sun until it is no more.
Only what is left of me, the essence,  you shall take into your very depths. 

And I shall smile.
Down and still down into your dark  and sacred memory. Forever.

Juicy Lucy.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Got our tree today. Even though I felt like my head was going to explode. I think that the moving and being a bit rundown, some lack of sleep thanks to a new environment and two pets that also have a lot to say about it all in the middle of the night combined with people actually sick out in the public...have given me a run for my health money.

So the tree sits and waits patiently for lights and I lie in bed. And drink juice. Lots of juice and water. My choice of juice currently, anything with vitamin c. I love the Naked Juices and there is one called Power C Machine that I'm drinking now. Can't wait to get my real juicer for Christmas. 

Juice it up people. Let's not get sick, together. 

To New Beds, Christmas Trees and Breakfast!

I generally am not very materialistic. I'm really not. I was half into that phase for a minute and it gets old. Not very fulfilling.
I AM into nesting, however... and I have to say that after many years of wanting them, I finally got the Anthropologie bedding. I'm so excited about it. I'm pretty sure that all I'm going to want to do is snuggle in my bed all day in my new cute blankets. 
I can take my computer to bed. I can write there, mess with my new website, schedule trainings and retreats and whatever else I get myself into. It will kind of be like I invested in a new office. Right?
It's not so bad if you look at it that way. Plus I bought it when it was 25% off on Black Friday.      (I get my thrifty, a.k.a cheap gene from my father, thank goodness.) But this was a spend worth the wait. When I get a bed that is not in a hotel next week, I'll post a picture of my office/bed. It's the simple things, people. 
To new beds, christmas trees and breakfast in …

Yoga Shmoga.

Reading a book by Paulo Coelho. I rarely get to read fiction anymore, it's usually either a book about yoga philosophy or a book about the body. But I LOVE Paulo Coelho and since I'm on vacation...AND I no longer have a job even though I'm jumping in to start my Erin Kouvas, Creative Wellness business. 

It's interesting this book because it brings up questions of life satisfaction and the meaning of it all and it weaves in yoga. Of course, who doesn't weave in yoga these days? But the main character in this book is searching for something and she takes yoga classes but can't help but feel that it's all a bunch of malarkey. It makes me wonder if that's what some students in class are thinking. The odds are good that it must be happening for some. 

I never had that experience. It's always just clicked for me. Not all the physical practices did but certainly the message and the spirituality of it. And it's making me wonder what would be the differenc…

Mother Experience.

I get that things don't always go the way we want them to. 

I get that. 

I have seen in the past something that I really wanted burn into dust. I am sitting with something going on in my life at this very moment, a situation that I wanted to go one way...but is very definitely taking a turn in another direction. 

And it is because of these past experiences that rocked me and taught me, that I am able to sit in the midst of uncertainty and breathe. 

Thank you, Experience.

All You Need Is...

Love needs no words.   No explanation.     It just is.

Sometimes people need it to be qualified, quantified, proven like a mathematical equation.

Sometimes that happens. But when love is flowing, you just feel it, you just know. It doesn't have to be proven because you feel it in your stomach and your bones. 

Sometimes you will wait until seemingly the end of time for a person to say the words you've wanted to hear from the very first day you met them. And they just can't say it. Perhaps they've been hurt too deeply, they're too afraid. Perhaps they're waiting for you to say it.

Sometimes they say too much, too soon and you feel too much too soon...and then it all folds in like a house of cards that haunts you.

Whoever can write down the recipe for things turning out in the form of a perfectly baked relationship, well, that person deserves much more than the Nobel Peace Prize. Whoever can judge others'  relationships because they are and always have been …

Muddy Brack. Poetry.

Stillness hears your heart beat
silence hears your wish
the tightness of this moment
is capture to the fish

the moment that he's hooked
is when he knows somethings amiss
but when the air and sunlight hit
his muscles start to twitch

Let me go back...

Into the darkness
into the black
back to the coldness 
and the muddy brack.

it's safer there
there's no light to shine
on my scales and
the noises aren't pitched so high

i can hide, I can slither 
mud on my belly
and feel the cool comfort
ouch, you throw me around so carelessly.

it's over now
the deed is done
one moves on with the day
and the other becomes none.

Dream State.

Sometimes I think that a whole separate world exists in our dreams. 

Our dreams seem to want to tell us something, don't they? Where do they come from? It seems like they might be just a jumble of pictures that have been in our head in some way or another, and then spit out in random moments while we are unconscious.

However, there are times when you dream about something or someone...and it seems impossible to shake. What does it mean? If only someone could tell you, wouldn't it reveal some greater picture in your life? 

I look up dream meanings a lot and mostly, they're disappointing. I find myself looking for a specific answer, which is absolutely ridiculous. If I have an opinion, then why am I searching? I am always searching. It is part of my DNA to want to understand the mysterious. The spiritual. The meaning behind the meaning. 

So dreams speak to me. I had a professor once tell me that you definitely have to interpret your dreams yourself. She had studied symbolism as …

Shit Carrying.

Sometimes people hurt you by the way that they speak to you, or by their actions. Take a beat. Take two. In fact, take a day or as long as you need. Write them a letter to get out your first reactions. 

See how much of what you're feeling is your stuff and not what they're saying to you. How much of what you're feeling are you feeling because it's old stuff that you believe about yourself and you're not being honest about that? A lot of times we react to people in a certain way because it reminds us of another situation from our past. They are not those other people, this situation is entirely new. So get some space around it to investigate.

And then be honest about your feelings in as kind a way as possible. Holding shit in only makes more of it in your life.

And in the end, you may find out that you were both wrong about your assumptions. And if not, if they really are just being an a-hole....which we all have the capability of.... just let them figure out their own…

Moment to Moment.

I've been sitting in traffic for over an hour and it seems like we could be here for awhile longer. They've stopped traffic coming from the other direction and there have been two helicopters that have landed and then flown away. There is a smell of smoke in the air. 

A feeling of sadness, or sickness has settled into my stomach and I've said a few prayers. Things like this always make you feel great big kindness towards people that you don't know. Make you focus solely on them. It's interesting. But for the grace of God, that would have been me. I stopped awhile back at the rest stop only because I didn't have any more cash for tolls. I stopped at the food counter and they took so long, so I thought at the moment. And now, I'm sitting in traffic a half mile to a mile or so away from a devastating car accident. I've been up since 6:30 am (16 hours) and have been in my car for 7 hours. Not even a small bit important. Not even a small bit. Someone's li…

hero's journey.

Saw the movie The Judge tonight. 
So. Sad. 
But a beautiful movie that captures the complexity of family and regardless of that complexity, the love within. 
The best line goes to the ex-girlfriend when he goes home to visit for a rather sad occasion. 
The two of them are sitting in a diner and she says something like, I decided from then on that I was going to be the hero in my story. Does that sound cheesy? 
And he replies, no, it sounds epic. 
I want to be the hero in my own story. I want others around me that are the heroes of their own stories. I want to help lift people up to be the heroes that they are. 

Just wow. 

You truly can never stop learning in yoga and in life. I'm in the midst of my accidental second 500 hour teacher training (I just love this teacher and her outlook and teaching style and beliefs, etc...and I have 3 years to finish if I want to) and, dare I say, it just keeps getting better. I just keep getting deeper. There has not been ONE boring moment in the two days that I've been in training and we start at 7 am and finish at 8 pm. So...there's that. And then there's the awesome people you meet and the fears you face and the growth that happens. All on the side of new knowledge and brand new teaching tools.

It would be easy to think that you know everything, when really you have only scratched the surface. How interesting life is. How much to know. How much to be curious about.
Asking the wrong question gets you nowhere. A good question is invaluable.

Playlist Requests. 9/23/14 Gentle Yoga Playlist

Friend,  Sandy Rivers Remix by Silky Sunday
Into the Mystic by Van Morrison
I Still Believe by Mariah Carey
Ascentia by Dub Sutra
Surround You by Echosmith
Shadowland by Nitin Sawhney
Priya (Beloved) by Michael Mandrell
Hero by Mariah Carey
Waterfalls by TLC
Breathing Soul by Gustavo Santaolalia
Butterflies by Michael Jackson
The Calming Mind by Yoga Tribe
I Won't Give Up by Lennon
The Promise by Tracy Chapman

Let the Wonder Begin.

I write because I have something within me that wants to come out. Something that wants to be said. I know now that I edit the message, many of us do, sometimes altering too much. I know now that I need to just let go and let the message speak for itself.

Because that is life. I want to be pulled towards things, not push nor be pushed. I want to let my life be an extension of my art, whatever that is. I want to love fully and be loved fully and let that love rain down on everything and everyone in my life.

I am a writer in my heart, but so many other things. I want to inspire others to find all of their parts, even if they have to chase after them a bit like papers scattered in the wind. Oh yes, this is mine.. oh yes, and this as well. 

Life is funny. We all have periods of ups...of downs...of silence...of discovery. And then, we begin to know who we are. Like watching a rose opening. Ah, we say. And once we do, the love and the wonder truly begin.

I kind of love aging. 
I'm be…

Sleep Envy

No sleep for the... weary, wicked, lovely and amazing?? It's all in how you look at it...

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?Ernest Hemingway
Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.Mahatma Gandhi
People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'
If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.
They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would sto…

(Bathtub diaries).

Legs strewn around The bathroom strangely lit Hanging from the shower rod Chomping at the bit
Love lost in the underground Never fakes the fit The warmth pervades The warmth, it makes me sit
The drops unknown To you or me or...quit If only life goes on my dear Then that would be all over it
What do I say What do I mean  What meaning fills The in between.

The Courage to Make a Difference.

I have always considered the wars going on in our world. I live very far away from them but I know that they affect all of us, regardless. I watch the news shows occasionally, but to be honest, I don't always trust it. There is also the fact that I don't like constant negative spin by a lot of the media channels and thirdly, it does have a way of making me feel helpless. No one likes feeling helpless.

However, there is something about a photograph that can get into my system and never leave it. There is something true, something poignant. A moment captured, a reality revealed. When I was younger, I wanted to be a photojournalist. I had photos that I had torn out of magazines on my walls. Images that had captured me. My friend once told me as a teenager that I liked to be depressed because of the few images hanging there of children who were poverty stricken and maybe starving in Africa. It wasn't that I liked to be depressed, it was that I thought those children were beauti…
dark mornings
alone at the keyboard
my dog snores
I'm just waiting for the word

why is this 
what i choose
at the midpoint
between night and day

QVC is on
so are all the old comedies 
i am certain
of finding something to waste time on

but it is here 
i sit and listen
and read 
and wait for grace

Imprint. (poetry by moi).

What is it that
I would say
if I could

that I loved you always
that I never knew
that you rolled upon me
like thunder, delicate like dew?

Inspiration comes and
To places
and from we cannot know

However, there are some things
that will never remove themselves
burned into wood.

I really feel that the writer/creator in me is dying to come out. Hopefully this is one of a million poems to come. I hope, anyway.

Tyler Knott Gregson Poetry

Okay, I can't even with this new poet that I'm reading. Just sharing the first two things that I read that make me want to read everything he's written.

What if all we have ever wanted 
isn't hiding in some 
secret and faraway dream 
but inside of us now
as we breathe one another 
and find home in the way
our arms always seem to fit 
perfectly around the space
between us?

What if we are the answer 
and love is the question?
What if all this time 
it was us you were supposed
to find?
I am filled with wonderings
questions and doubt
but of one thing I am certain:
it will always be you
that gives flight to the 
butterflies inside me.
calm to the sea I have become
and hope to the darkness
all around us.
It is you and it has always
been you

You that soothes and excites 
and spreads joy like rainfall
on the already damp earth;
You that pulled me from the longest
sleep and kissed my tired eyelids 
If life is a question mark,
then you, my love, 
are the proud and bold period 
that is typed with certai…

Reach for the Stars.

I've been thinking about relationships and how we have held the key to finding ourselves through each other all along. Seemingly paradoxically, I have really focused in on putting yourself first in your life. For years, I've used that metaphor of putting on your oxygen mask first.You are the most important person in your life. However, we are also all one represented as different faces of the Universe and should do all we can for others in this life. I truly believe that we are all connected, all faces of the same Universe manifesting in unique ways. Celebrate your uniqueness.

The last few years I have really come to understand that it is relationships that are our greatest teachers. But that you need to know and honor yourself before you can show up fully in that way for another. Great relationships require that we show up fully as our true selves or things go awry...and many of us have forgotten who that is, if we ever knew. 

I'm guessing that most of us knew at one point,…

Life and Death.

Well, I've been up for over an hour and so I thought...I really should get my writing in for the day. This so counts as first thing in the morning when it's 3:45. It's actually the hour that I prefer to write, 2, 3, 4 am. Everything is so quiet. Just me staring at my computer, waiting for the next word to come. Peace and listening.

I spoke with a life coach today, just to experience her particular style because I think she's amazing. As a person and as a business woman and as an inspirer. And basically, she just told me to do it. I have a slight smile on my face as I type that because...isn't that what it is for most of us? JUST FREAKING DO IT. What do you want to do? Do it! Say SO WHAT if you make a mistake, tumble, just move on, get up and do something else. Get like a child and experience your god blessed life. 

This thought leads me back to something else I've been thinking about. I was very weighted down for a couple of days lately after I heard…

Body Patterns and Spine Health.

This morning I woke up really feeling and understanding the scoliosis and rotation in my spine. You can't see it if you're just looking at me unless you're trained to look at bodies. But I can feel it now in the way that I sit, stand and practice. The thing that has truly made me most understand what is going on in my back is doing these handstands for about 200 days. My body always pulls to the left from the top of my handstand and yet seems to pull back against itself at the bottom because of the small rotation. It is said that your yoga practice is like a mirror, even handstands are very telling of what is going on within.

And now I know that my body stance and patterns have adjusted to my body structure by the way that I hold myself and lay down at night. Or that my body patterns have helped to create my body structure. When did it start, 10 years ago, 20, 30?
How do you sleep at night that might be indicative of something that is going on in your body? What body pattern…

in the wide.

visiting me in my dreams
images of yesterday why they linger  why they still
where do they sit  at such strong will? i do not call them  yet they haunt me still
i believe in my soul that things happen... i believe that the happenings show  themselves if they would
or could. who knows?
the ship is set to journey out the ropes are all untied the sun just breaks over the horizon and there is so much, out in the wide
out in the wide...

Day 13 #writeeverydamnday #writingchallenge # justwrite #writeyourselfalive #writeordie

Needs, Wants and Coloring.

What do you want?

No, really. At your core. At your deepest level. Can you even form a clear thought around it? If you come up with an answer quickly, are you sure that it's true? Is that desire a result of what you have thought that you should want for so long that you don't even know any longer, or do you know what you want yet live in fear of what that could mean or what you would risk for it?

Are you uncomfortable? Good. That means this is something that you need to face, embrace and get comfortable with the discomfort so that you can actually get what you want. 

So, what do you want? I've been thinking and talking a lot lately about Anthony Robbins 6 human needs. And yes, there is a difference between need and want. But what you want is a symptom usually of something deeper that you need. Here is the list. 

The Six Human Needs 1. Certainty: assurance you can avoid pain and gain pleasure 2. Uncertainty/Variety: the need for the unknown, change, new stimuli 3. Significance

So Much Stuff.

T minus one day until all of my stuff is packed and out of this hotel. And I mean all my stuff packed except for the things that you use on a daily basis. Stuff that you can survive with for two to three months. 

I have so much STUFF. I'm sure if you have ever moved, you may have thought the same thing. Most of my stuff is books and kitchen stuff....and clothes of course. What if I'm in Alaska at a vodka party? This skirt and boots would be perfect for that...etc... Ladies, you know what I mean. 

It's just now sinking in that TODAY is the LAST day that I will come back to this room where my office stuff is and sit on my computer to do work. Isn't change interesting? We get so used to sitting in a particular chair, in a particular room, doing particular things. Adaptability is actually one of my strong points but...still. These rooms have become a part of me. I've worked here, slept here, cried here, laughed here, had dance parties when I'm celebrating. I've s…

Lows, Highs and the In Between.

Wowzas...There is so much going on right now, that the only way I can hope to keep up with this writing challenge is to journal what is up. 

For those of you who don't know me, my husband owned a hotel, which we lived in for the last two years. Yes, I lived in a hotel. I'm sure that a lot of writing will come out of that experience in time to come. He just sold it and we have moved another hotel. We are now residing in Cleveland for a short time while we are planning where the permanent residence will be.

So, packing has been a large part of my life recently. And a great tip that my life coach gave me recently was that as I threw things away, to also attach to those things habits or actions or thoughts that no longer served me. I threw away old papers and indecision. I threw away half dead plants and sadness. I threw away needing things to turn out a certain way and an old shirt or two. 

It's a great practice. I felt my soul lift a little each time I lifted the…

I am a Writer. I will be True.

I just finished writing my day 10 post that I will not be posting as I would like to turn it into a book.

The prompt that she gave (I didn't know that she was giving prompts, lol) was to write what you're afraid to write. Vulnerability is power. 

I entered the cave. It really needs to be a book, I think, because the subject makes me have a relationship with my laptop. I can feel my connection. It's like we're conspiring together over this topic. Sharing secrets. It becomes my best friend that I whisper to. 

It's an amazing, passionate feeling when words flow. Seeing your thoughts jump onto the screen a moment after you think them. Creating your baby. Creating a love. 

I think that I'm falling back in love with writing and it's been a long time coming. I want to commit myself to it, here and now. 

I am a writer. I will be true. I'm grateful to my angels for allowing me this gift. 

day 10, #writeyourselfalive #writeeverydamnday #justwrite #writingchallenge

as it should be.

I don't need to know what to say because those who support me  will know what i mean
i don't need to be perfect because the world understands that i do my best and that is good enough
i don't have to do the right thing or strike the right pose as the thing i am doing  is exactly what it needs to be

the next rock appears
and i take my step
and revel in the moment that is made
pleasant...or unpleasant, equanimous
breathe.  those who are meant to be in your life, will. those who are meant to hear your voice, will. those who are meant to touch your life, will.
the only thing left to do is  go with the  flow.
day 9, #writeeverydamnday #justwrite

The Pulse of Humanity.

I started my day the last two Tuesdays at a local nursing home and taught yoga and meditation to the residents there. It just always makes me realize how important it is to have people in your life who love you when I'm in a place like that. But you have to also be a person who loves your people a lot... that should help ensure that you have those people around you near and, well, at the end. But, the truth is that we can't ensure anything, can we? What if everyone died before us? What if we get alzheimer's and can't remember anyone? There are things that are variable like this in all of our lives. Roll of the proverbial dice. We can ensure that we have faith and give it to God. We can do our best. We can build our temples in our bodies and minds and hearts and love as much as we can, for as long as we can.

The truth is that there are a lot of people that end up in places like these with no one around in their later years of life. When I was 20 I got a job working in a …

poem for day 7, #writeeverydamnday

I kissed the seeds of the dandelion And flew with them throughout the wind They scattered into parts unknown and where they went I followed
I stroked the face of the ocean blue and together we rode the depths on the backs of dolphins dived below and listened to their bellows
I felt the ground shake with the elephant Felt the warmth upon my back The air clung to my skin as I clung to them And I heard them whisper Om
What a world this is an opportunity yet we're around only ourselves can't see our struggling spirit
when we look to the Earth when we look to the Sea when we look to the Heavens it becomes clear, becomes one
with all of these beautiful faces and individual personalities we get tricked, we get stuck we are one, it's such luck
with an opportunity to be ourselves.
day 7, #writeyourselfalive #writeeverydamnday #justwrite