Monday, March 31, 2014

Playlist Requests.

For G~ I found one playlist I have that was marked January and had Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah on it... 

Here it is! Hope it's what you were looking for.

Gone Til November ~ Wyclef Jean
Freedom ~ George Michael
Love No Limit ~ Mary J. Blige
Can I Kick It? ~ Tribe Called Quest
Heard Em Say ~ Kanye West
Carry the Zero ~ Built to Spill
Addicted to Love ~ Florence and the Machine
Breakin My Heart ~ Mint Condition
Praying For Time ~ George Michael
Afraid ~ Nelly Furtado
By Your Side ~ Sade
Down to the River to Pray ~ Alison Krauss
Dreaming with a Broken Heart ~ John Mayer
Golden ~ Jill Scott
Hallelujah ~ Jeff Buckley

Yellow. (poetry)


the sky opened wide
yet the truck sat still

violins played
through the windowsill

every inch held meaning
and i listen still

where are you within me
where are you without

somehow connected
in the silence and cloud

a lifetime passes in moments

some moments


the road grows long
into the distance

and yet all i can do is
                                  follow it with my eyes

Random musings.

I took a drive last night and this afternoon. One of those afternoons that you notice the shingles on top of the house to the right of the highway and they seem to have a meaning, a language of their own. Almost speaking to you like a painting that does it's job. Then you look to the left and the smoke rising up from the factory looks so beautiful even though you know in it's essence, it really isn't. And you sing. And you sigh. And you feel romantic.

I was in a romantic mood and the lighting was just perfect. If I hadn't been so tired, I would have grabbed my camera and gone shooting.

I have a lot coming up this year. Growth stuff.

The journey doesn't end. It just keeps on expanding. The canvas, wider. 

Friday, March 21, 2014

Lioness Roar.

Some of you may have read my post awhile back about Warrior Moments. What that really came down to, for me, is this…I hate bullying. In any form, really. I hate it when it's blatant and in your face. I also hate it when it's passive, such as not allowing people to be who they are, or to make their own decisions in their time, in their heart-space. I've known how to stand up for others being bullied since I was a young child. My grandmother who has too many years passed away now was the main why so that I learned how to stand up for others. I stood up for her whenever I had to, which was unfortunate for both of us but our roles to play at the time. I'm eternally grateful to have had her in my life and grateful for those lessons that I learned.

Standing up for myself  in big ways but mostly the small ways that add up, has been a lifelong process that yoga has really helped me to dig down and find with an even greater ferocity. I think that we all can relate to that, though. Getting somewhere and then thinking, wait…how did I get here? Oh, because I compromised here and here…and here. Yoga has helped me define who I am and what I stand for with an even greater clarity. Trust me, it's still an ongoing process and I'm getting there but at least I have a roadmap now. Yoga can help anyone do this because of the beautiful way that it brings you into your body, into this moment, into this breath bringing you face to face with yourself. 

What do I believe in? So much. But for the sake of this conversation... I believe in women's rights. I believe in women feeling strong and empowered and able to make their own choices. I believe in women's beauty and right to express that however they see fit. I believe women are more than capable and intelligent and have an important voice that should be heard loud and clear. I'm a human rights proponent period; men, women and children all valued and loved equally as human beings. But I'm very passionate about women right now, in particular, and their journey to find their voices and their particular version of power because many of us have been outside of our true power for a long time.

A woman's power is not generally rough like a man's but strong as steel and certainly can withstand the test of time. We are masters of time, masters of waiting, masters of holding our tongue until the time is ripe like a well hung fruit. No one knows how to sit with time, it seems to me, like a woman. This might be because of the history of things. Waiting for men to come home from war, from a business trip, waiting for our child to get better as we stay up all night beside their bed, sick with worry. Waiting to be noticed, to be forgotten, to be spoken to. And sometimes, we need to let go of the waiting and just go for it. Whatever IT is. And let our power find new edges.

We seem to be afraid of our own strength often and maybe that's because we've been told that it's not ladylike. I see my beautiful friends who are like lionesses should anything happen to someone they love but afraid to stand up for themselves or be seen in the spotlight. I heard a quote the other day that said something like, the difference between fear and excitement is that during one you hold your breath. They are the same thing. We need to turn that fear into an invitation to wade into the darkness and depth of the swamp with excitement and discovery as our flashlight into the night.

We are lionesses. We are goddesses. Our men are the ones we choose and we choose strong men who are capable of loving us whole, our weak and our strong parts. Our ready and our waiting. Our beautiful and our ugly. Our thick and gnarly scabbed and our raw sections of skin glowing with vulnerability. Because all of this encompasses our particular brand of beauty.

Knowing ourselves and shouting it out. Dancing it out. Loving it all out. Amen. 

Monday, March 17, 2014

What's your moment? (poetry-ish)

What's your moment? 
30 seconds to live over again...
If you only had 30 seconds left of this shining existence.

So many moments.
So much meaning to be held 
In each one and together like hands and glances over shoulders.

Holding them in our hands
like so many marbles
waiting to fall, let them fall while you're here.

Ask me today
I say water. and sun. and love.
and the simple reflections

of your smile.
of happiness. of peace. of acceptance.
of a great and long awaited sigh, acceptance

of myself and the whole damn thing. 
ask me tomorrow 
and see what it may bring.

like she said, there's so many
but we have to choose
if you don't, you will miss the moment and the moment is all.

Submerged, I envision myself
gasping for air. But I made it. 
I made it. I am here.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Warrior Moments.

I'm a yoga girl. I practice, I meditate. I believe in peace. But last night, I was confronted by a situation with a very confrontational man while I was out celebrating with my friend for her/my belated birthdays. Just two girls only out to enjoy each other's company and have some laughs. Meanwhile, while sitting at the packed restaurant/bar, we were slowly infiltrated by a group of men. I started out by being nice when they were just in our general area because they weren't being disrespectful and you couldn't even say that they were hitting on us. Although, I'm guessing they didn't come around two girls by themselves because they hoped we would be lifelong friends. Either way, keep your respectful distance and all will be fine. There are no signals here, my friend. 

But this one guy really seemed to have a chip on his shoulder. He started talking to us in this condescending tone, like he had us pegged as bitchy girls who thought we were better than everybody. No. Incorrect. I mean, I CAN be bitchy. I have that capability. But as a general rule, I am not. And I never think that I am better than anybody. Sometimes sneaky thoughts get in that mind of mine, like they do everybody's and I have to check them because I try to be aware of my mental state. However, even though I knew he shouldn't have, this guy really did start to get under my skin. He kept calling me sweetheart. So, I started calling him sweetheart back. But what we were really calling each other in actuality was not sweetheart. 

I'm a girl of peace and love. So, what happened? I know exactly what it was. I do not like being pegged and put in a hole as if you know anything at all about me. I am way more complex (as is everyone) than what you can sum up in five minutes. I do not like that you invite yourself into my space and then proceed to try and put me down. Worst of all, I do not like when someone treats me or people I love in an ill way which I would never, ever do to them. If I'm respecting you…why is it okay for you to disrespect me? It is not. 

I learned to stand up for myself somewhere after high school even though I had learned to stand up for others way before then. When I was younger than twenty,  I was always the "nice" girl who would get hurt by others, very often my own friends. And apparently, that girl who learned to stand up for herself is still in there and she will come out with claws if you cross the line. I thought that I had meditated her away. I guess... not yet. And I'm not sure that I want to 100%. I do want peace in my life. I do believe that we all come from the same source and are all one. But if someone comes at me, they need to know that I am plenty strong enough to stand up for myself. Whether you and an "army" of guys is around you or not. 

This guy was spoiling for a fight and he brought it to a female. I don't know why he did this. The ideal would have been for me to diffuse the situation. But, at the same time, I am having a hard time feeling that I was wrong. There may have been one thing in particular that I should not have said. It may have included something about me beating his ass, army or no army. (He was literally in the Army). At that moment, my warrior came out. Being in the Army, he is literally a warrior and used to that role, I assume. But that does not mean you need to fight all of the time. 

I much prefer peace. In yoga writings, there are plenty of stories about warriors. I think finding the balance is key. I read recently a quote from a girl I love from afar, Andrea Balt (she inspires me) "Your weirdness will make you stronger. Your dark side will keep you whole. Your vulnerability will connect you to the rest of our suffering world. Your creativity will set you free. There's nothing wrong with you." I like this because it addresses the perfectly imperfect human being belief. We all have many sides. Let's not pretend we're any one certain way and kill ourselves off in the meantime. I prefer peace but I can also be a warrior. 

Thoughts for this yoga girl/warrior?