I want to run out into
the grass behind this cut out I look out from
and fade away into it.
I want to become one with it
feeling the beat
of immortality.
I want to let go of all my
worrying
and scurrying and trying to be "better."
Having faith that this
just is
and that there is no tomorrow.
There is always now
and now
and now.
And God sits with you there.
Smiling.
Shining like the sun.
Do you feel it?
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Friday, December 20, 2013
My Personal Connection with Homelessness.
We all put on faces at times. I think we all hate doing that, right? Sometimes it feels safer to wear a face, sometimes you don't even know that you're doing it, it just happens as a result of doing it repeatedly. I'm over safe. I'm into real now. Real is not always easy...but it is the only way to get to peace and happiness, I believe.
Mostly everyone who knows me very well knows that I was raised by my father (who adopted me at age 6, and who is no holds bar, my DAD... he raised me and I am so grateful for him) and my mother who I was born by. Less know of my biological father and his sometimes serious mental illness. This caused him to not be very keen at being a husband to my mother who left him, nor a father to me who he lost custody of, nor a son to my grandmother who he continued to abuse until almost the day she died.
I will say that while I had plenty of anger towards him for many years, mostly he just made me feel sad. And that is primarily the emotional response he elicits from me to this day. Sad to see such wasted life, (but really, was it wasted?) such anger and violence living within such amazing potential. He really is very intelligent, but it sits idle when it could have been something spectacular. Then I remember that this is his journey and I truly don't know the bigger purpose of that, and try to give up on controlling it once again.
And I also know that this is part of my journey in life, to come to peace in my own heart about mental illness and homelessness. To know how much I can help...and when I should stop. Two things that send me over the edge in this world are these two issues and I've always been drawn to both. Oddly enough, I was drawn to the issue of homelessness from a much younger age. And it ends up that my biological father becomes homeless many years later. Nothing in this life is a coincidence, in my opinion. These are all lessons and there is always a space in the darkness in which to grow toward the light.
Life doesn't seem fair sometimes. But we do the best that we can with what we have. I have tried to make his life better. But I think as many of you also know, you cannot control what anyone else does no matter how hard you try. And in the end, I exist because of him. And I know that he loves me, even though he couldn't be a father. He's part of what made me who I am, and I am grateful.
Sometimes people make mistakes, sometimes people can't be what you want them to be for you. But they're not here to "be" for you. Sometimes we can't be what we expect ourselves to be. But, at the end of the day, I know that I have tried my best to be true to myself and to be as good as I can to those in my life. I believe we owe it to ourselves and the ones we love to show up and follow our hearts and sing true.
For the last ten years, when I see a homeless person on the street, I see this man first. And, then I see a human being with a story all of their own. You have not walked in these human being's shoes, nor do you know if you would have survived as well if you did. I know that is one thing that I have always thought about my personal connection to homelessness. I could not have survived as well in his shoes. You may not understand homeless people or feel comfortable around them but please try to hold your judgement. None of us can judge them. We haven't been there. They are meant to have their own journey in this life...and maybe some of them are meant to make ours more complex, more authentic, more meaningful.
If you truly open your eyes and your heart, who knows what you may see? I see a fragile yet strong human being. And, if nothing else...that's enough to be kind. To forgive. To love.
Mostly everyone who knows me very well knows that I was raised by my father (who adopted me at age 6, and who is no holds bar, my DAD... he raised me and I am so grateful for him) and my mother who I was born by. Less know of my biological father and his sometimes serious mental illness. This caused him to not be very keen at being a husband to my mother who left him, nor a father to me who he lost custody of, nor a son to my grandmother who he continued to abuse until almost the day she died.
 |
| Bill and I in 1976. |
I will say that while I had plenty of anger towards him for many years, mostly he just made me feel sad. And that is primarily the emotional response he elicits from me to this day. Sad to see such wasted life, (but really, was it wasted?) such anger and violence living within such amazing potential. He really is very intelligent, but it sits idle when it could have been something spectacular. Then I remember that this is his journey and I truly don't know the bigger purpose of that, and try to give up on controlling it once again.
And I also know that this is part of my journey in life, to come to peace in my own heart about mental illness and homelessness. To know how much I can help...and when I should stop. Two things that send me over the edge in this world are these two issues and I've always been drawn to both. Oddly enough, I was drawn to the issue of homelessness from a much younger age. And it ends up that my biological father becomes homeless many years later. Nothing in this life is a coincidence, in my opinion. These are all lessons and there is always a space in the darkness in which to grow toward the light.
Life doesn't seem fair sometimes. But we do the best that we can with what we have. I have tried to make his life better. But I think as many of you also know, you cannot control what anyone else does no matter how hard you try. And in the end, I exist because of him. And I know that he loves me, even though he couldn't be a father. He's part of what made me who I am, and I am grateful.
Sometimes people make mistakes, sometimes people can't be what you want them to be for you. But they're not here to "be" for you. Sometimes we can't be what we expect ourselves to be. But, at the end of the day, I know that I have tried my best to be true to myself and to be as good as I can to those in my life. I believe we owe it to ourselves and the ones we love to show up and follow our hearts and sing true.
For the last ten years, when I see a homeless person on the street, I see this man first. And, then I see a human being with a story all of their own. You have not walked in these human being's shoes, nor do you know if you would have survived as well if you did. I know that is one thing that I have always thought about my personal connection to homelessness. I could not have survived as well in his shoes. You may not understand homeless people or feel comfortable around them but please try to hold your judgement. None of us can judge them. We haven't been there. They are meant to have their own journey in this life...and maybe some of them are meant to make ours more complex, more authentic, more meaningful.
If you truly open your eyes and your heart, who knows what you may see? I see a fragile yet strong human being. And, if nothing else...that's enough to be kind. To forgive. To love.
 |
| Bill and I in Sacramento in 2013. |
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Darkness and Light, Darling.
Something happened today that made me very sad about humanity and I didn't even leave my room because I am sick. I know that this is meant to teach me something. I know that life is beautiful but sometimes things happen, conversations happen, life happens and it makes us doubt.
I am going to meditate. The answer will come.
And I'm back.
The answer was pretty much yin and yang, darkness and light, darling. It takes all of it to make up our world. All of us are on our own path, and maybe we can't understand other's paths sometimes, but that doesn't mean it's not all unfolding exactly as it's meant to.
As a friend once told me, all we can do...is do our best every day. Amen. Take the bad with as much grace as possible and suck every droplet out of the good in our lives. And shine that good on...
I am going to meditate. The answer will come.
And I'm back.
The answer was pretty much yin and yang, darkness and light, darling. It takes all of it to make up our world. All of us are on our own path, and maybe we can't understand other's paths sometimes, but that doesn't mean it's not all unfolding exactly as it's meant to.
As a friend once told me, all we can do...is do our best every day. Amen. Take the bad with as much grace as possible and suck every droplet out of the good in our lives. And shine that good on...
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Can't sleep, time to write poems.
Maggie likes to look at
the sun coming through the veiny leaves.
In her black work boots
she walks to the fields just to be.
And what may be her future
Or what may be her past, you say?
Well, how can one be sure of that
in her big black work boots, anyway?
High heels, maybe are better at pretending,
but she can't afford those.
Wouldn't feel right on her pinky toes.
'Sides, they might be tight and she doesn't like that.
She just likes this sun on the leaves
and the field brushing her shins.
She likes the question in her mouth
and the mystery of movement unknown.
_______________________________________
I dreamt of an agony hammer
aiming for me
again and
again
It was shiny and new
and I thought,
ought not to get it dirty
then
And I stopped it
but it was persistent
and it made me
flinch
And your calm breath
flowed at an even pace
you relaxed like the
darkness
I lie tight
Like a fishing reel
Wound to extremes and
tired.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
the sun coming through the veiny leaves.
In her black work boots
she walks to the fields just to be.
And what may be her future
Or what may be her past, you say?
Well, how can one be sure of that
in her big black work boots, anyway?
High heels, maybe are better at pretending,
but she can't afford those.
Wouldn't feel right on her pinky toes.
'Sides, they might be tight and she doesn't like that.
She just likes this sun on the leaves
and the field brushing her shins.
She likes the question in her mouth
and the mystery of movement unknown.
_______________________________________
I dreamt of an agony hammer
aiming for me
again and
again
It was shiny and new
and I thought,
ought not to get it dirty
then
And I stopped it
but it was persistent
and it made me
flinch
And your calm breath
flowed at an even pace
you relaxed like the
darkness
I lie tight
Like a fishing reel
Wound to extremes and
tired.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
This girl is tired. It's settled into my bones like the chill of the weather changing. It's good to feel tired. I haven't let myself feel it in a long time and have been running fast for two years now. Let it go. Right?
I hope all of you out there settle into yourselves like a warm blanket on this fall day. Whatever it is, let yourself be there.
Sending you love and acceptance.
Namaste, lovely people.
I hope all of you out there settle into yourselves like a warm blanket on this fall day. Whatever it is, let yourself be there.
Sending you love and acceptance.
Namaste, lovely people.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Singing for Autumn.
As fall starts to gently creep in here in Ohio...hot days, cold days, hot days, cold days... and I begin to see the top of the ocean that I have created for myself from the view of about 100 feet under, I also start to wonder what will be up there at the top?
Yoga Therapy 500 hour teacher training is done at the end of October (hooray!!) and as I described to the group in Asheville during one of our circle times together, I feel as if I'm making a soup but I just can't be sure of the flavor. What will come of this time that I've spent learning and growing?
I know that I have gained some amazing knowledge. I know that I have met some amazing people. I have sat in meditation and done a lot of work in yoga and personally. I feel stronger in myself and more at ease with myself than ever before. That does not mean, however, that I know what comes next. I most certainly do not. I love, love, love what I do. Teaching and practicing yoga both feel very authentic and sit well with me. Power yoga is still my love and we will see what becomes of the Therapeutic Yoga in the months to come.
As busy as I have been over the last 6-9 months, I have realized the need for being in the moment so much more. And so as I look up, I remember to look down and see what is at eye level. Right now, that is a desk with piles and piles of papers. The reference to drowning being quite literal. I am so ready for October 20th to be here and to have this part of the journey behind me. While I am eternally grateful, I also need a bit of a rest. Autumn is perfect timing.
Song for Autumn~
Yoga Therapy 500 hour teacher training is done at the end of October (hooray!!) and as I described to the group in Asheville during one of our circle times together, I feel as if I'm making a soup but I just can't be sure of the flavor. What will come of this time that I've spent learning and growing?
I know that I have gained some amazing knowledge. I know that I have met some amazing people. I have sat in meditation and done a lot of work in yoga and personally. I feel stronger in myself and more at ease with myself than ever before. That does not mean, however, that I know what comes next. I most certainly do not. I love, love, love what I do. Teaching and practicing yoga both feel very authentic and sit well with me. Power yoga is still my love and we will see what becomes of the Therapeutic Yoga in the months to come.
As busy as I have been over the last 6-9 months, I have realized the need for being in the moment so much more. And so as I look up, I remember to look down and see what is at eye level. Right now, that is a desk with piles and piles of papers. The reference to drowning being quite literal. I am so ready for October 20th to be here and to have this part of the journey behind me. While I am eternally grateful, I also need a bit of a rest. Autumn is perfect timing.
Song for Autumn~
In the deep fall
don't you imagine the leaves think how
comfortable it will be to touch
the earth instead of the
nothingness of air and the endless
freshets of wind? And don't you think
the trees themselves, especially those with mossy,
warm caves, begin to think
don't you imagine the leaves think how
comfortable it will be to touch
the earth instead of the
nothingness of air and the endless
freshets of wind? And don't you think
the trees themselves, especially those with mossy,
warm caves, begin to think
of the birds that will come — six, a dozen — to sleep
inside their bodies? And don't you hear
the goldenrod whispering goodbye,
the everlasting being crowned with the first
tuffets of snow? The pond
vanishes, and the white field over which
the fox runs so quickly brings out
its blue shadows. And the wind pumps its
bellows. And at evening especially,
the piled firewood shifts a little,
longing to be on its way.
inside their bodies? And don't you hear
the goldenrod whispering goodbye,
the everlasting being crowned with the first
tuffets of snow? The pond
vanishes, and the white field over which
the fox runs so quickly brings out
its blue shadows. And the wind pumps its
bellows. And at evening especially,
the piled firewood shifts a little,
longing to be on its way.
~ Mary Oliver
Friday, September 13, 2013
The Power of Words, the Study of Water.
I found this study mentioned about three months ago where water is prayed upon and the energy of the words spoken is seen in the way that the water molecules group together and display themselves. I quickly searched for it online and found this photo.
I don't have any evidence, and haven't had time to really research it myself but Deva Premal just mentioned it in something that I was listening to the other day and I thought, I really wanted to put this out there and you can make what you want of it. The thought continues that our bodies are made up of 75% of water and therefore...words are indeed very powerful.
Om Shanti ~
Friday, August 30, 2013
Be Inspired, Inspire.
I've been going through my posts from the last year and a half that I never posted and cleaning house. Deciding what should be cleared out of the drafts forever and what should have life. It feels good to be getting lighter. To be here now, be present for what is happening. Life is not about always being perfect, it's about being present. Showing up in this moment with as much grace as you can.
Life is so big and so precious and so small and miraculous within all of those little moments. I watched a video today that was so inspiring about a man and the difference that he makes in his daily life. It made me realize all over again how much we can do just being present in the life that is given to us. Given to us! There need be no searching. It all comes to you, be there for it. You are a miracle. The whole world is being created by you right now. Create something beautiful, but create something real.
Watch the video here. Let me warn you as I did when I posted this on Facebook earlier today... your heart may be blown open and your eyes will leak.
Life is so big and so precious and so small and miraculous within all of those little moments. I watched a video today that was so inspiring about a man and the difference that he makes in his daily life. It made me realize all over again how much we can do just being present in the life that is given to us. Given to us! There need be no searching. It all comes to you, be there for it. You are a miracle. The whole world is being created by you right now. Create something beautiful, but create something real.
Watch the video here. Let me warn you as I did when I posted this on Facebook earlier today... your heart may be blown open and your eyes will leak.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Mount Batur, Bali 2012
 |
| Hello? Are you seeing the lights, the dark, the sunrise and the cloud separating it all at eye level? Amazing. |
  |
| The fun continues... |
 |
| What a moment, watching the sunrise in Bali from a mountaintop. |
 |
| Aaron, our guide. |
 |
| Warrior. |
 |
| Mountain Dancer. |
 |
| Yoga girls doing what they do. |
 |
| Mountain puppy. |
 |
| Itchy butt. |
 |
| Yep. I was climbing that. |
 |
Love this action shot. |
 |
| My friends, Oliver and Yukari. |
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| Aaron, Ollie and Lowell. |
 |
| Ollie and Aaron. |
 |
| My friends, Lowell and Yukari. |
 |
| Me, Ollie and Lowell feeling exhausted but in awe of the beauty of that mountain. |
 |
| Just chillin, mountainside. |
 |
| It was also Balinese Independence Day and they were celebrating everywhere. Even at the top of mountains. |
 |
| He loves his job. |
 |
| I believe this was after a not so graceful fall down the mountainside. I'm glad my camera didn't break!! |
 |
| Me and Aaron, our guide to the top of the mountain! |
  |
| Lowell, pointing to Mount Batur...after the descent. What a good feeling! |
 |
| A Balinese Chicken at the bottom of the mountain and, if you look close, her babies. |
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