Let It Flow.

The yogic key to freedom in action is in the Bhagavad Gita: "Your right is to the performance of actions, but not to its fruit." One interpretation of this mysterious and significant phrase is that using your gift is its own satisfaction, so you can do what you do for its own sake.

This sentence reminds me of the rice fields of Bali, where they get this statement's meaning. Deeply.The rice fields are hard work. Feet sucking into the mud all day, the sun beating down on you. And yet. There are smiles on the faces of nearly everyone working in these fields when you stop and look. 

They create these fields the way that they do for many reasons. Number one, they obviously need to make a living. But the fields are manicured and hedged in such a beautiful way. Made (pronounced Mah-day) told me that this is for their art. They are proud to present their rice field as a thing of beauty. They are proud that people come from other countries and see their art laid out in beautiful rows of life sustaining rice.

One of the most beautiful things about the rice fields in Bali is that they do not operate from a source of lack and fear. They do not create dams, but little drainage areas so that when their fields have been watered, the water flows on down to the next person. And so on. And so on. They do not hold and clutch and grab, but let go and let flow. Taking care of each other, they take care of themselves. I was so inspired by the simplicity and faith and community in Bali. Just sharing these thoughts and photos with you in this new year.

Whispers in the Night.

Last night I heard a whisper. But really, it was just an imprint of words upon my mind, "this will be in your book. Write it down." I had just had a dream and after awakening, was thinking back upon it as I have done many times before. So often my dreams are about something that needs to be dealt with or done in my life and this time was no different.

As I lay there, remembering it, I started to think about God being with me and within me. I recently read Marianne Williamson's A Return to Love and am currently reading Wayne Dyer's Wishes Fulfilled. The ideas in these books are something that have resonated with me for a long time. Some of them are new but many of them I have felt for ages.

I remember having broken down in an old car of mine once and I was sitting on the side of the road waiting for someone to come and get me and there was this sunlight coming through the clouds. It was so heartbreakingly beautiful that I just needed to write about it right then. Not caring one bit about sitting in my broken down car, I felt like I was wealthy beyond measure at that moment. This is the connection that I'm starting to feel again. 

I need to share this feeling with as many people as possible. I need to write about it. This is what I am passionate about. So much. So much.

Magical Sedona Arizona.

2014

Okay, we are well on our way now in 2014. So, what was 2013 for me?

Learning. Such a huge part of 2013 was my beginning,  journey through and completion of my 500 hour yoga education. It was about keeping my yoga studio on track while I did that. And thanks to my two beautiful teachers...we sailed through with no real issues.

Some of my peeps from AYC.

2013 for me was also about being able to get still and listen. I have been a runner by nature since I was able to run. This is my pattern that I am working on breaking. What happens when we settle into the discomfort, or stillness, or whatever it is that you're running from? That's a question that we all must face on our own.

It's about starting to move slowly, deliberately. Not worrying, rushing, making things be that just aren't. At a Ray Long workshop I just went to he spoke about the fact that where we get our injuries is the point where we move too fast. He talked about easing in and easing out of poses. That is true for life too. When we make quick movements, we get hurt. That's why we can get hurt when we work out mindlessly, when we cross the street without looking, when we make snap decisions based on wrong motives, when we show off (as when I broke my ribs the year prior by running and jumping over a chain), when we fall in love, when we fall out of love. Moving slowly, or maybe just on my own clock is a new goal for me.

I just broke my ribs...and I am in pain selfie.

2013 was about finally listening to my voice. It can be sometimes hard to find because it's so easy for me to hear what others are saying. But I feel my voice as a physical presence now, I don't just hear it and ignore it anymore.

Is that a coffee cup and a wine bottle on the table? Seriously? p.s. not a cigar...but a marker in my mouth.

2013 was about growing and watering my friendships. My family of friends. Who I love so much. It was about healing. It was about getting real and being honest. It was so much in one year and I am grateful for all of it.

I am now firmly in my seat. God is with me and has been, but I feel that presence strongly now. I have been going through a transformation for the last few years and I feel like I'm ready to fully be me. Whatever that is and whatever that turns into. I intend to check in with myself every day about it through meditation and yoga and my writing.

I wish everyone an amazing and authentic 2014.

Much love~ Always~

Erin

Peace.

I want to run out into 
the grass behind this cut out I look out from
and fade away into it.

I want to become one with it
feeling the beat 
of immortality.

I want to let go of all my
worrying
and scurrying and trying to be "better."

Having faith that this
just is
and that there is no tomorrow.

There is always now
and now
and now.

And God sits with you there.
Smiling.
Shining like the sun.

Do you feel it?

My Personal Connection with Homelessness.

We all put on faces at times. I think we all hate doing that, right? Sometimes it feels safer to wear a face, sometimes you don't even know that you're doing it, it just happens as a result of doing it repeatedly. I'm over safe. I'm into real now. Real is not always easy...but it is the only way to get to peace and happiness, I believe. 

Mostly everyone who knows me very well knows that I was raised by my father (who adopted me at age 6, and who is no holds bar, my DAD... he raised me and I am so grateful for him) and my mother who I was born by. Less know of my biological father and his sometimes serious mental illness. This caused him to not be very keen at being a husband to my mother who left him, nor a father to me who he lost custody of, nor a son to my grandmother who he continued to abuse until almost the day she died.

Bill and I in 1976.

I will say that while I had plenty of anger towards him for many years, mostly he just made me feel sad. And that is primarily the emotional response he elicits from me to this day. Sad to see such wasted life, (but really, was it wasted?) such anger and violence living within such amazing potential. He really is very intelligent, but it sits idle when it could have been something spectacular. Then I remember that this is his journey and I truly don't know the bigger purpose of that, and try to give up on controlling it once again.

And I also know that this is part of my journey in life, to come to peace in my own heart about mental illness and homelessness. To know how much I can help...and when I should stop. Two things that send me over the edge in this world are these two issues and I've always been drawn to both. Oddly enough, I was drawn to the issue of homelessness from a much younger age. And it ends up that my biological father becomes homeless many years later. Nothing in this life is a coincidence, in my opinion. These are all lessons and there is always a space in the darkness in which to grow toward the light.

Life doesn't seem fair sometimes. But we do the best that we can with what we have. I have tried to make his life better. But I think as many of you also know, you cannot control what anyone else does no matter how hard you try. And in the end, I exist because of him. And I know that he loves me, even though he couldn't be a father. He's part of what made me who I am, and I am grateful.

Sometimes people make mistakes, sometimes people can't be what you want them to be for you. But they're not here to "be" for you. Sometimes we can't be what we expect ourselves to be. But, at the end of the day, I know that I have tried my best to be true to myself and to be as good as I can to those in my life. I believe we owe it to ourselves and the ones we love to show up and follow our hearts and sing true.

For the last ten years, when I see a homeless person on the street, I see this man first. And, then I see a human being with a story all of their own. You have not walked in these human being's shoes, nor do you know if you would have survived as well if you did. I know that is one thing that I have always thought about my personal connection to homelessness. I could not have survived as well in his shoes. You may not understand homeless people or feel comfortable around them but please try to hold your judgement. None of us can judge them. We haven't been there. They are meant to have their own journey in this life...and maybe some of them are meant to make ours more complex, more authentic, more meaningful.

If you truly open your eyes and your heart, who knows what you may see? I see a fragile yet strong human being. And, if nothing else...that's enough to be kind. To forgive. To love.

Bill and I in Sacramento in 2013.

Darkness and Light, Darling.

Something happened today that made me very sad about humanity and I didn't even leave my room because I am sick. I know that this is meant to teach me something. I know that life is beautiful but sometimes things happen, conversations happen, life happens and it makes us doubt. 

I am going to meditate. The answer will come. 

And I'm back. 

The answer was pretty much yin and yang, darkness and light, darling. It takes all of it to make up our world. All of us are on our own path, and maybe we can't understand other's paths sometimes, but that doesn't mean it's not all unfolding exactly as it's meant to. 

As a friend once told me, all we can do...is do our best every day. Amen. Take the bad with as much grace as possible and suck every droplet out of the good in our lives. And shine that good on...

Can't sleep, time to write poems.

Maggie likes to look at 
the sun coming through the veiny leaves.

In her black work boots
she walks to the fields just to be.

And what may be her future
Or what may be her past, you say?

Well, how can one be sure of that
in her big black work boots, anyway?

High heels, maybe are better at pretending, 
but she can't afford those.

Wouldn't feel right on her pinky toes.
'Sides, they might be tight and she doesn't like that.

She just likes this sun on the leaves 
and the field brushing her shins.

She likes the question in her mouth
and the mystery of movement unknown.


_______________________________________

I dreamt of an agony hammer
aiming for me 
again and
again

It was shiny and new
and I thought, 
ought not to get it dirty
then

And I stopped it
but it was persistent
and it made me 
flinch

And your calm breath
flowed at an even pace
you relaxed like the
darkness

I lie tight
Like a fishing reel
Wound to extremes and
tired.


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