Miracles upon miracles.

The other day while I was walking down the street, I tripped and fell. Smashing into the pavement I suddenly became the rain water, splashing and trickling down the dirty street until I fell down into the sewer where I, somewhat confused but peaceful as water can be, continued my journey and came out eventually into a river. I felt the atmosphere suck me back up as I freely floated into the sky becoming millions of tiny water molecules. 

I rose up into that angry sky which poured me back down onto the landscape and I spread over this land so wide, becoming a puddle for a gazelle to drink from, a droplet that was drunk by a tree under which a crying boy sat, the blessing that had been prayed for as the people there hadn't seen rain in months, the last drop that caused a mudslide wreaking havoc in a small town, and also the single drop that fell onto a small girls face and made her smile changing her whole way of being. 

I became all of this and more and I realized that I myself am small and nothing. But I am also everything and by definition creation itself. 

Miracles upon miracles. 

my prayer.

I say your name as prayer

daily and with conviction.

You roll over me 

as water over stone.

Rounding my edges 

 that they may catch the light.

Completely you do this 

Cleanly and without thought.

I will not. 

ask... why...

Why does the rain fall?

Why does the sun shine?

Why does the caterpillar crawl?

Why is the sand fine?

These things are natural.

Beyond the land of word.

And so I pray

daily and with conviction.

 Your name floating

 like smoke in air

 dissolving into nothingness

and yet everything. 

opening.

My heart bled out into the sky...

I felt so afraid. Everyone could see it.

But then... I began to feel how big it was

and how much space it easily filled up.

It turned the whole sky red with it's majesty 

And comforted many with it's warmth.

I am not afraid anymore. 

Sing, Songbird.

Offer Up Your Song

On the road to loosening the clutch of fear and taking back your original joy of singing, try one of these self-coaching points. (They're not just for singers).

First, realize that you are developing your skills. Think of yourself as being in training. Instead of expecting yourself to have mastered your voice, think, "I'm learning." If you believe you're supposed to be a master, you'll criticize yourself when you aren't. But if you define yourself as a learner, you're much more likely to forgive yourself for mistakes. Instead of mentally trashing yourself when your voice quavers, tell yourself, "I'm in the process of learning how to sing with power and ease!"

The second step is to make your voice an offering. Offer your voice and your song and your vocal cords to humanity—to the All—using whatever frame allows you to touch your sense of the greater whole. Remember that once you make an offering, the outcome is out of your hands. It's not your voice anymore. It belongs to the universe, to God.

Third, ask the universe, the absolute love, God, your higher Self, or perhaps the spirit of a singer you admire, to sing through you. Open yourself to allowing that to happen. The key to letting go at the deepest level is to feel that you are not singing, but being sung. In fact, this is the truth. There is no "you" singing. Singing is happening through your body, your vocal cords, and your mind. What freedom arises when you let that be true!

http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/2652

A Course in Miracles.

(this post was written in 2012, along with the last couple that I posted.)

Started reading 'A Course in Miracles' which I've had on my bookshelf for awhile now but just opened. It feels like a very important and life changing book. I experienced that shift also with Eckhart Tolle's, 'A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose' before this, years ago. Some books wait to come to you until the right time, I think. 

A few statements that hit home for me...

"Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God."

We make up our own realities. We tell ourselves stories that become real for us only for the telling and the retelling of them. The movie The Village is a perfect example of the stories people tell themselves in order to protect and control. Having faith that all is as it should be gives peace.

"It is the privilege of the forgiven to forgive."

We all need to be forgiven for something, somewhere. We all need to forgive ourselves as well for acting out of what we thought was protecting ourselves, or feeling of something we lacked or fear of something unknown. I love that it is the PRIVILEGE of the forgiven to forgive. It's not a duty, but a privilege. Extending forgiveness out into the world is a privilege. (not always an easy one, I'll admit, but if we can see others as teachers and also as children who were probably hurt...and are acting out of that hurt, it helps). 

"[...] that there is nothing you want to hide even if you could. This step brings escape from fear."

I spent a lot of years hiding myself. My whole self, as much as I could because I could only see myself as I thought others saw me. However, you never really know how others see you anyway. You can only guess at what they see and how maddening is that to imagine a million ways that someone might or might not see you? Who cares? At the end of the day, what does it really matter. If you spent the rest of your life finding out about the magic that lies within you, I'm sure that there would be some left over that you didn't have a chance to get to. Focus on that. 

I'm through with hiding.

"You can make an empty shell, but you cannot express nothing at all. You can wait, delay, paralyze yourself, or reduce your creativity almost to nothing. But you cannot abolish it. You can destroy your medium of communication, but not your potential. You did not create yourself."

How egotistical to do nothing, to hide yourself. Like you created yourself..you (I) did not. Letting yourself shine is almost an obligation. The quote by Marianne Williamson..."Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

"Time can waste as well as be wasted." 

What's wrong with now? What's wrong with today? There is nothing you lack but you're alive and you want to explore, do and be...do it now! There is so much in the world to fall in love with. There is no shortage of things to do or learn about. It's a matter of finding that spark within you that allows you to see the abundance.

"Belief produces the acceptance of existence. That is why you can believe what no one else thinks is true. It is true for you because it was made by you."

I know people who believe that only the worst will come to them. If you believe it, it is true. Point of view is so particular to each individual...change your thoughts, change the world.

So much good stuff! 

I hope that this post reaches out and touches someone who needs it. As we all need touched by grace, beauty, truth... and I was touched by this book. Pick it up if you like to read, I'm only on day one but I think it's a game changer!

random bali pics

Ask and I shall answer
Nothing left to hide
Truth is such a beauty
Hiding miracles inside

Complex calculations
with a riddle on the side
Cut through complications
with the melting of your mind

Heartfelt is the only
Even though it comes in waves
What else really is there
Except presence in our days

God is speaking always
We must only tune our ears
Through the silence and the truth
We will get there, never fear

As many of you know... I am a yoga teacher.  I've had quite a lot of experiences through yoga. And for all of them, I'm grateful.

Currently I'm only teaching two classes a week, slowly as things feel right and that is by choice. I suppose I could be jumping into teaching full time or making something happen. But I truly feel that after everything that has happened in the last 3 to 5 years of my life that I need to take a sabbatical and get real and focused about what direction is right for me in this next unfolding. So, I am allowing. I am surrendering. In really everything in life and that feels pretty damn good. 

My only prayer now is that God's will be done. And I mean that in the least and at the same time the most religious way possible. My favorite phrase? Maktub. I learned it from The Alchemist which I'm sure quite a few of you out there have read. It means...it is written. My trust has increased in untold ways and I'm sure that for all things that have happened in the past there are reasons and I have certainly grown from them.

I am grateful to be here. 

Much LOVE. Maktub. ;)

waiting
for you to enter
a bit unsure
of the reason for all of this

i heard
the soft rustling of my heart
the prologue of
what was, what was to be

the air surrounding
soft and warm, inviting
it gave no
sense or call of warning

and i relaxed then
into the sweetness of your arms
then and forever
yes. then and now

Wedding Homework.

Next weekend I will marry another couple, my second time as officiant of a wedding.

And I get the pure joy of looking up love poems to insert into my reading. This is the second time this poem has come up recently (first time by accident) and I'm absolutely in love with it.

Prepare yourself for the last stanza. It breaks your heart, in a good way.


Variation on the Word Sleep

by Margaret Atwood

I would like to watch you sleeping.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.



AND THIS ONE. Don't pass out from the gorgeousness...


I Got Kin

by Hafiz

Plant
So that your own heart
Will grow.

Love
So God will think,

“Ahhhhhh,
I got kin in that body!
I should start inviting that soul over
For coffee and
Rolls.”

Sing
Because this is a food
Our starving world
Needs.

Laugh
Because that is the purest
Sound.

We

by Nayyirah Waheed

we
return to each other in waves.
this is how water
loves.

It's fall. And again I feel the transition the season brings but also the transitioning in my life.

I'm reevaluating what I do and how I do it.

I'm unpacking the past, not only through the many boxes I'm going through but also through the unpacking compartments of my soul.

What's next? I can feel the answer on the wind that is getting ready to blow through the valley with a crisp realness. A fact that won't be denied.

I can't wait to face up to it in my sweater, jeans and boots. Perhaps also a scarf, gloves, overcoat... like snuggling up in front of a warm bonfire while the truth of winter glistens around you.

Come on, then.

life.

So much has changed since the last post. I've taken a long break from being on here.

One thing that happened was that when I had begun to do that cleanse last January I found out that I was pregnant.

I had a miscarriage five weeks later.

I hadn't been sure that I wanted the baby but when I lost it, I was so sad and it took awhile to process.

You never think that you're going to be the one to have a miscarriage until you do. And then you wonder why you never thought that it was possible. Anything is possible.

But what was the lesson, the nugget that I took away from that experience?

That life is a miracle. Not to be taken for granted. That there is nothing to control about life. That human beings are infinitely complicated, complex and beautiful with being able to have so many facets, emotions, desires, loves, aversions, thoughts, beliefs in one body. Not to judge (again) anyone else for any choices that they make about parenting. This is a hard one. Our minds are constantly judging (this is good, this is bad, this is right, this is wrong, I know better) but try to catch it.

Just to be grateful to be alive myself and to be grateful for the opportunity to create life. And then to celebrate life by any means possible.

silence.

it's the only thing i hear.

i listen for your voice

and hear the silence.

which tells me

stop asking

which tells me

look within.

stop looking for the answer.

the answer is within.

Can Can Cleanse.

So. I'm doing a juice cleanse. God knows I need one. You know how people are calling themselves the Bad Yogi or the Rebel Yogi these days? That should totally be my name when it comes to my diet. 

I'm a girl who loves to eat. Eating has always been my, well, bad friend since late childhood. Thank God I was blessed with a high metabolism or it wouldn't have been easy to stay somewhat thin. When I was a teenager...I put away some serious food. I won't even go into it. And I wasn't throwing it up either. I was all in.

And now...well, I had cut out meat for the most part in Ohio but since coming to California that has changed again. Primarily because the meat is more organic here and because we're exploring the foodscape. 

But when you're an Ohio girl moving to California you think, wow, it's going to be so easy to eat fresh, etc. That has not been the case. We have found more pizza, burgers, fries, oysters, greek food, you name it. I don't know if it's us calling it in, or if Northern California really just has as much bad for you foods as Ohio does.

So. I'm doing a juice cleanse. And this is the year to incorporate much more fresh foods into my diet. Last year, I took most meat out and I'm going back to that after this month of enjoying the "bad yogi diet." It's seafood, fresh fruits and vegetables, healthy grains like quinoa, etc.. after this juice fast for me. 

I'm doing the Can Can Cleanse based out of San Fransisco. I'm actually excited about it this time. When I did it in Ohio twice (different company) I dreaded it because I was scared of being angry the whole time. But my body is calling for this. So, it's game time. 5 days of juicing. And, I just found out that this month was named after the Latin februum, which translates as purification!  It originated in ancient Roman times due to the fact that there was a purification festival on the full moon every February. Actually, I just had all kinds of questions arise from that. What kind of purification? Hmmmm. 

Well, I know what kind of purification mine is and there's nothing violent or witch-hunty about it. Just good clean juice. 

Cheers friends!

911

Asking for help is a God send. It is amazing how much effort we put in "holding it together," meaning not letting another person know the depth of what we're going through. When it is usually the case that another person would love to listen, help, or completely put your mind and soul at ease.

It's even "worse," mostly for ourselves, if we start to get defensive and close off or become aggressive because we feel that others are to blame or are attacking us when in fact they are not at all.   It starts and ends with us and our own decisions.

I was the first person in this equation today and I witnessed someone else being the second...and all you want to do is help the person. You know that they need to help themselves when they've got themselves all walled in. But still, you try.

Beginners Mind.

I like to challenge myself and I don't mind not being the expert in the room. Sometimes people get caught up in looking the part so much that they can't be in a place of growth because they can't possibly put themselves in a place of discomfort. 

I don't need anyone to make me look good. 

I know that I can look good all on my own. Because I study. Because I practice. But most of all, because I truly care. And I know that it lands because I help people to transform. I am always looking for growth myself and am willing to transform, even though change is frightening for most of us. And I help to provide that for others and I'll place myself in the fire so that I can grow and continue to be there and present for what others truly need to succeed. 

Let's start a fire. In ourselves and others. 

Much love.

Nonviolence.

Non Possesiveness.

Soon II

My skin feels tight and close, 

like a noose desiring to be tightened;

It's dry and crackle pops when I walk.

So I've sat here, quite still 

And let my eyes roam freely 

But my mouth's just too dry to talk.

The air, burning broad across my back

makes me wonder what it looks like

with the winds that shifted west so fast.

Layers are perfect darling, aren't they?

And blood for pumping strong. And weak.

I'll sit here quiet until I can no longer.

I'll have to move soon, for the wind,

even if my skin breaks free of it’s bones;

like porcelain, like stars, like powder caked and blown.

I wonder what these winds will show me?

Where they will lead? 

Gusts across a dessert barren; or not.

Now. Move. 

You were not made only to question.

You were made to act upon your heart’s deepest image.

The one that was put upon it by God’s own hand.

The one you hear whispered when you dream.

The one you whisper when no one is listening.

Listen hard, my love.

Soon.

My skin feels tight. 
And close, like a noose.
It's dry and pops when I walk.

So I've sat here, quite still 
And let my eyes roam free 
But my mouth's still too dry to talk.

The air, burning broad upon my back
makes me wonder what it looks like
for the winds shifted west so quickly.

Layers are made for falling, aren't they?
And blood for pumping strong. And weak.
I'll sit here quiet until I can no longer.

I'll have to move for the wind,
Yes, even if my skin breaks free
Like porcelain, like stars, like powder caked and blown.

I wonder what these sorts of wind will show me?
Now. 
Move. 

Ever One.

My love, you can never be without me.

We are ever one.

Ever connected.

You know this as much as you know that you were born.

Maybe you forgot. 

Or stuffed it, way deep, back in your sock drawer.

But once you remember... 

once the wind blows just the slightest bit off center... 

you will say, aha.

Now. 

There is the truth.